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Vulnerable

Mir Mahboob Ali

Behzad’s two marriages failed, because, he kept on searching for Tabassum in his wives and seemed so distant and aloof while being intimate with them. Though Tabassum humanized him, the inextinguishable fire of love she enkindled in him gnawed at his lifeline. He took to drinks. Consequently, he suffered from liver cirrhosis. He was lying in his hospital bed barely conscious. The attending lady physician resembled somebody he could not remember. The name ‘Tabassum’ brought old memories:

…He was a young man of twenty-two and she was just sixteen, still immature and very vulnerable to allurements of youth. Generally, men enjoying a fleeting glance would cause her embarrassment, for she has become overtly conscious of her physical enhancements.  Handsome men casting eyes towards her budding womanhood would give reddish hue to her beautiful cheeks, and raise her self-esteem. Fleeting glances or even glaring attention from the other gender considered a measure of attractiveness, in the object so treated. She had no idea of bulls in heat. So, when she caught Behzad staring through her bedroom window on the first floor from his drawing room on the ground, she was rather irritatingly delighted, at first, but more she thought of it the more she felt shocked at such brazen shamelessness. The distance between the two buildings made it possible for Behzad to have a perfect view of her bedroom. Oblivious of Behzad’s intrusion Tabassum relaxed in her own bedroom in her undergarments. They lived in a posh area.

Belonging to a rich family Behzad was not a very polished man, since his family amassed wealth through trading and was not pedigreed. Second child of his parents he was a bit arrogant from his childhood. Obstinacy seemed natural for him, as he was strong and well built. Strong and taller than others around, he naturally commanded fearful obedience of his friends. And he never hesitated to use his strength whenever needed. There were none around him who had not tasted one or two thuds of his fist. A natural bully! Love like emotions was unknown to him. He considered those frailties befitting only women and hated any emotional involvement. But he never avoided female companionships as he immensely enjoyed the company of the fair sexes. For him they were a commodity to enjoy and nothing else. Endowed with sexual prowess he fully exploited that gift to gratify desires unrestrained. Sometimes gratification was bought and sometimes manipulated. 

Up to the secondary level he was forced to go to school regularly, though attendance in classes was poor but that still ensured a bit of study. Later, in his college life he never attended his classes or examination halls. Actually, he kept on passing but never took any examination himself. Otherwise Behzad was extremely talented and had a very sharp mind. He had an exceptional ear for music. Any tune played once, was enough for him to reproduce that, with perfection, and he also remembered the song - each and every word of it. A very sharp memory not utilized for learning his lessons. He had no motivation to do well in his classes, for he knew he need not work as his father had amassed enough wealth to last him a lifetime: a lazy man by nature would not move his limbs if he could. 

 

Tabassum, on the other hand, was sent to the best schools and colleges that was there and was known as a good student. Pursuit of education was inherent in her because for generations they had been an educated family. For livelihood they also depended on family business: job was assured. A bright student Tabassum wanted to study literature and had a neck for music, arts and literature. Painting was her hobby and she was also trained in the trade by private tutors – renowned artists. A little, refined lady had excellent tastes in clothes and jewellery.  Her young age was never an impediment in her understanding of fashion. Her sense of colour combination was astonishingly awesome even in her childhood. But, finally, she studied science to train as a physician. She dreamed of establishing a cancer hospital where poor patients would be treated free, since, she lost her only brother to cancer.

Offended and shocked Tabassum closed the window opening toward Behzad’s drawing room at the ground floor. But after the initial feeling of revulsion was over, a triumphant feeling of a conqueror overwhelmed Tabassum. She was delighted. She felt like a victorious warrior just winning a battle and did not have any idea of the glistening lust in the Peeping Tom’s eyes that were shining like the eyes of dogs in darkness. She kept musing that since, she was so attractive the onlooker - a handsome man, was really captivated, catching a glimpse of her through the curtains. It was not his fault that he was devouring every curve of her female physique. To her the lewdness was the enthrallment of a beholder perchance catching a glimpse of a beautiful object. It is amazing how the human mind twists to justify things in its own favour. She was a conceited immature brat: ready to jump in the open jaws of a shark, mistaking that as a safe refuge. Deep down in his heart Behzad was lasciviously attracted to the Junoesque-moving object, as most of his age-mates would. There are individuals with strong moral propensity who would prefer to avoid a window, so tempting, not Behzad! He would rather have more of them around him, so that, he can enjoy surreptitious looks at females undressing, through curtains. It gave him tremendous sensual satisfaction watching the other sex clandestinely. Gratification par excellence Behzad would not derive otherwise. No, it is not perversion but, unusual, yes, but, not very uncommon. 

All over, Tabassum could not resist watching if the defaulter continued the practice of staring at her window. Not the first and the second day, but on the third Tabassum saw Behzad watching TV in their drawing room, now she was the beholder. Behzad was only in his scanty shorts. His muscular body from pumping iron was on display along with his bursting manhood barely covered by the undergarment. Tabassum enjoyed every bit of it. It was very fulfilling because it was a sort of revenge for the earlier Behzad-misdeed. Why the shorts do not come off somehow, wished Tabassum! He had seen her almost bare bosom and bare bottomed. She blushed! 

Next day, and the next, Tabassum watched the man in the drawing room, while other family members were away, always topless and occasionally in shorts.  It was summer and generally the drawing rooms were not air-conditioned.  One day, she heard somebody sing one of her favourite Bangla-tunes, exquisitely well while strolling in her lawn in the rain. She felt an indomitable urge to find out who was the singer. It was gliding out from the abode of the defaulter, rhythmically, like a cascade. “Can it be the darkish handsome onlooker,” she thought! She was engrossed in a dream like trance, who knows, for how long. Suddenly, the tall, dark handsome man appeared on a balcony still singing unaware of her presence in her lawn that can be seen from where he was standing. He turned to move inside still not cognizant of her presence. She just could not hold herself and called out, hey you… not knowing his name. And blushing profusely she ran inside. She never meant to call him; it was an involuntary act that she just could not hold back.  He knew it was the girl from the neighbouring house, who called after him, since he saw her running in. She was surprised at herself.  He did not know how to react. Anyway, he never cared for the finer emotions and this time also was not struck by any. That he could see the dancing rear of a female, her clothes clinging to her body exposing her well-formed curves, as she was running in, made him happy. Beast and the beauty: this singing beast was unmindful of his natural talents.  He began singing unrestrained by any hesitation and oblivious of his surrounding instigated by the intoxicating view of the running drenched damsel. He sang ‘Tora jey ja bolish bhai aamar soonar hareen chayi’[1], in his subconscious mind perhaps, she was the ‘golden deer’. 

Behzad was happy and relieved as he was expecting a complaint, which was not coming forth, he felt sure. He was so sure of a complaint that he even cursed himself, as he was afraid of his eldest brother’s wrath. He was present in the country, and he did not like social lapses.  He therefore, was restraining himself from further aggravating the situation, and was even praying to God, “Oh God! Save me just this time, I would be careful in future.” Tabassum thought he was repentant of acting unseemly. Her estimation of the man rose higher. She could not be farthest from the truth. 

Naturally gifted Behzad often sang and Tabassum listened intently and the more she listened the more she softened toward Behzad. His natural gift coupled with his handsome muscular physique, which she now observed often through her window, gradually, made her choke up at his every appearance. Behzad was emboldened by the fact that there was no complain and Tabassum’s agreeable body language whenever they happen to spot each other. But for his brother Behzad did not pursue the matter aggressively, as he would normally do. Time passed quickly, his brother left the country after about three months, completing his assignment here. During his brother’s presence in the country Behzad kept the liaison alive by exchanging furtive smiles and winking glances and did not do anything to jeopardize the growing relationship. Free again, Behzad finding Tabassum in her lawn sang, “Shokhi Bohey gaalo beyla shudhu hanshi khela a ki aar bhalo lagey.[2]” Tabassum replied with an audible giggle and gave a meaningful long look at him.

After a few days they found themselves talking to each other from their rooftops. Unnoticed, they continued for sometime. But, Behzad was Behzad! He was biding out time to seduce her for that was the only thing he believed in, as far as girls were concerned. Love, respect, trust- nothing mattered to him. Even the beaming innocence of Tabassum, the exquisite almost palpable smile on her face at his sight, the happiness of security in his company all eluded Behzad. His one-track mind would not recognize any other emotion but warmth of a charming female body. Things that he could not touch, squeeze, feel and smell were unreal to him. While love and love and only love were bursting Tabassum’s heart, Behzad was churning with inflamed desire that blurred his senses. He was unable to think straight driven by an uncontrollable craving. Behzad took her to parklands, restaurants and to places where they sat together and talked for hours bunking classes, as Tabassum was still a college student. Devilishly ingenuous in matters of seduction, Behzad subtlety tried all his tricks on Tabassum but failed, as she was a different sort of a girl than those he knew. She was a firm believer in physical sanctity. She would not let Behzad’s eager hands to soften her up. 

Behzad was not to lose heart so easily. He took a different course: confidence building. Tabassum was gradually led to believe that Behzad could restrain himself from throwing himself onto her if she was not willing.  She trusted herself.  Once, Behzad finding the opportunity lured Tabassum to their residence while the other inmates were not at home. He prepared the ground very carefully and tried to intoxicate Tabassum by offering her a puff on a cigarette stuffed with drugs. Tabassum hated cigarettes. She knew Behzad did not smoke. The desire burning in Behzad’s eyes betrayed him. Tabassum got suspicious. She tried to leave. Behzad blocked her way. He was totally maddened and blinded by seething passion. They wrestled. She vehemently protested and defended herself with all the might she could muster. In the process she got hurt. She was bleeding. Blood oozing out from her wound brought Behzad back to his senses. He really loved her of which he was blissfully unaware.  He loosened his grip on her. She, freeing herself left his house in tears. As he watched her leave the house a sudden pain wrenched his heart apart, but he could not move or talk. Incapacitated by his own folly he watched her depart wounded and dishevelled. After her exit, he suddenly realized how much she meant to him. Suddenly, the world seemed meaningless, everything around lost colour and became blurred and obscure. He cried his heart out, helplessly.  She had to do a lot of explaining to her folks and somehow managed to hide her adventurous encounter. The whole night she cried, cried and cried … could not sleep and kept on turning on her sides.  In the morning she pretends sickness to confine herself to her room so that nobody can smell anything. She for days kept on hoping that Behzad would come and ask for forgiveness for she loved him more than her life. She loved him so much that she hated her body, the body that was not of any help when Behzad desired it. She felt wretched. Behzad wanted to go to Tabassum and ask for forgiveness but could not gather the courage to face her. 

Everything around him seemed unbearable. Behzad needed an escape. He left to live with his brother in England. …

Long after Behzad, Tabassum went to England to do higher studies in medicine. She married before she left for England. Her parents selected the groom, a physician by profession settled in England. He is willing to move to the motherland for a noble cause of establishing and running a cancer hospital - Tabassum’s dream.

Behzad was beyond recognition decimated by the torture he perpetrated on his beautiful muscled body that enamoured Tabassum. Tabassum as the on call physician came in to inquire about the newly admitted patient. Behzad, the name, made her take his head in her hands, involuntarily. She did not recognize him. Behzad opened his eyes momentarily. It was the same beautiful face he used to adore so much. He saw the same beautiful deep black eyes, singing a love song perceived only by the cherished, unaltered, pristine and evermore beautiful. They did not forfeit their lustre to time, a bit- abode of timeless, ageless, eternal beauty. Her lips were still bursting with the freshness of roses.   He could not believe his eyes. Those lustreless eyes lit up momentarily. His face glowed imperceptibly: only he felt the warmth. His heart was beating fast with maddening excitement … he tried to gather strength to say, “Forgive me”, he only could manage some inaudible squeaking sound ta … ta … tabaa…. He could not bear the joy for long, and his weakened heart gave way, silently, unsung, unwept he went. 

His head still held by Tabassum. Tabassum kept looking intently at the emaciated face … inundated by an inexplicable emptiness.

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[1] Tora jey ja bolish bhai aamar soonar hareen chayi (You may say whatever, I want the golden dear.)

[2] Shokhi Bohey gaalo beyla shudhu hanshi khela a ki aar bhalo lagey (My darling time passes by, only frolicking does not satisfy:

(Tagore: translation by  this author.)